Shattered
by EoSvuLuvFan
Summary: Elliot finds himself in a very dark place in his life. He is slowly losing his faith in everything. Will he ever again be anything but shattered pieces of his old self scattered on the floor? E/O
1. Chapter 1

_First off I want to say that this is NOT a religious story or anything to that nature. Yes I do talk about things in this opening chapter, but that is by no means at all the basis of this story. If anything that I say comes off offensive I apologize ahead of time, that truly is NOT my intent. This story is going to be a bit darker than my others. No worries though I am still working very hard on Suddenly Someone as well as a few other things here and there, including the Tell Her sequel. I came up with this idea for a story a couple weeks ago when I started going through some rough times in my life. It starts off very dark but I promise it doesn't stay that way._

_This is my first story written entirely in Elliot's POV. I really hope you guys enjoy this and stick with me on this one. Be honest with me about it though. I am always open for your thoughts. I love them actually._

_Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order SVU or any of its characters. This was written for fun not profit. They belong to Dick Wolf._

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**Chapter One**

It is hard for me to believe that their isn't a person who gets to a point in their life where they seem to lose faith. Not just in God, but in themselves, their choices, their lives, their friends, and everything around them. You find yourself in this dark place, this hole buried deep within the earths core, and it seems no matter how hard you try, no matter how high you climb, you can never seem to find the way out. You try and find the good in life, you try and find the point to your existence, but it feels as though it has become nothing but a blurred smudge on the page of that chapter of your life's story.

I find myself arguing with God a lot lately. Well, maybe it isn't God I am arguing with, maybe it is just the voices in my head. The never ending contradictions that have made their home in my mind. Yelling at me, telling me how I am a failure one minute, and to not give up hope the next. Often times I find myself grabbing at my skull trying to make them stop. Trying to find just a moment of piece from myself. Do you have any idea how hard it is to fight a battle with your own mind? I always felt that I had enough armour to protect me from anything, but lately, my armour is running thin. Lately I find that I am in dire need for reinforcements.

As I sit here in this pew alone, in this house of God, I find myself not praying. Not asking God for His guidance, not asking Him for a miracle, or for Him to answer my prayers. Rather I am asking Him to find me again. Asking Him to help me find myself again. Twelve years of Catholic school, and a life time of church going, and I still find it hard to have complete faith in God. I still question His existence. Especially in times like these. How could God torture the many innocent people that I have come to see over the years in my job. How can God make a person hate themselves, and their lives so much, that all hope is lost and life doesn't seem worth living? If we are His children, how could He do that to us?

I can't help but laugh at my hypocritical ideals right now. I sit here asking for God to help me find myself again, and in the same breath, roll my eyes that He is even there at all. A part of me knows that He is there, and this just a test of my faith in not just Him by myself. I just wish He didn't have so much faith in me. I don't have that much faith in myself. Still, I have to hold onto something. I have to believe that there is a reason for why I am feeling this way. A reason for me going through this dark place in my life right now.

My thoughts are suddenly interrupted by the sound of the Church doors opening, and people filing in to prepare for six am Mass. It is my cue to leave. I stand up and walk up to the alter. I genuflect before it and cross myself.

"In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen."

I walk down the isle past the Sunday morning rush of church goers. Not looking any of them in the eye. Hoping that none of them see how much my life is truly broken.

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My apartment is dark when I open the door. Boxes are still piled all over my living room which consists of nothing but a pull out couch, a small TV set that its on the floor, and a coffee table. The only things I have seemed to unpack other than my clothes for work are the two small picture frames that sit on my coffee table. One is of my children. My five beautiful children who give me whatever strength it is I have left. I live and breath for my children. Whenever I feel like giving up I think of them and I know that I can't do it. The other is of me with my best friend, and partner, Olivia. I would be so lost without her. When she found out that Kathy and I were getting divorced again she didn't judge me. She didn't ask a million questions. She just gave me a hug, and told me it would be okay. At the time I believed her, but now I am not so sure.

I walk into the kitchen and grab an empty glass and the bottle of scotch. It is not even six thirty in the morning, but it doesn't matter to me. I pour the liquid in the glass and throw it into my throat, repeating the action before I even have a chance swallow the first glass. As I feel the warm alcohol run down my throat I can't help but start to hate myself a little bit more for being so weak. I slam the glass down onto the counter and walk over to the vacant living room. I sit down onto the couch grabbing the picture frames on my way. I hug the frames close to my chest and try and concentrate on the people within them. The smiles of their faces and the joy that the six people within them bring to me. I close my eyes and try and fight it, but the tears begin to fall down my face anyway. My father always told me that only the weak cry, only pansy's cry, but does it count if no one is there to see your tears?

The tears begin to take over and I find myself curled up with my knees to my chest. Sobbing uncontrollably and I'm not even sure why. Seeing myself like this only makes the hurt sting more. A grown man should not be acting this way. A grown man shouldn't be so lost and confused for what feels like no reason. I have always been the one to stay strong and have faith in whatever life threw at me. Always the one to never show emotion, never let my self pity take over my life. The person that others went to for protection and comfort; not the one who so desperately needed it.

As I sit here now in my dark apartment, feeling the effects of my morning shot, I start to wonder if I will ever find that person again. If I will ever be anything but shattered pieces of my old self scattered on the floor.

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TBC

_Okay so that was just a tiny snip-it of the story to give you guys a feel for it. I have a lot written already. Just kind of scrambled around stuff that I have to piece together. So what do you guys think? Be honest. I know this was really dark, but like I said...it doesn't stay that way. I promise. I am too perky to stay this depressing lol_

_PLEASE review. I really really love your comments and advice. _

_**NOTE: I'll have an update posted for Suddenly Someone later tonight. ;cD**_


	2. Chapter 2

_So this is a super super quick update, most likely wont be this fast again, but I wanted to kind of get the ball rolling a little more on this and try and get some more feedback. So please if you like it or don't like it, let me know! :cD  
_

_This is going to be VERY different from my other stuff, full of lots of emotions, but I feel good about it. Hopefully you will too!  
_

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of Law and Order SVU or its characters. The story was written simply for fun and not for profit. They belong to Dick Wolf._

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**Chapter Two**

The sound of my cell phone buzzing on my coffee table wakes me. I can tell it is still morning because the ray of light coming through my blinds proves the sun is almost at its destination among the mid-morning clouds. The last thing I want to do right now is talk to anybody. It is so much easier to ignore people, ignore the world, then to face these demons that lay inside me. To face these feeling I have within my heart. These demons in my mind that wont go away. The ones that tell me how horrible I am. Who make me hate who I have become. What kind of company would I be to anyone when I don't have anything good to say? How can I talk about what is wrong with me when I am not even sure what the answer to that question is? I don't want to face the world. I want to hide. I want to run.

As soon as the phone stops buzzing it starts again seconds later. I lean over and look at the screen. _Liv. _I knew it would be her.

"What do you want Liv?"

As soon as the words leave my lips I regret them. Olivia hasn't done anything wrong. I shouldn't take it out on her, but lately it is like I don't have any control over my emotions. Usually however, anger wins. It is so much easier to be angry than to be sad. It is so much easier to push people away then to explain yourself to them.

"_Well hello to you too El."_

I finally get myself to sit up on the couch. Bad choice though. I can feel the pounding in my head from the liquor I had consumed on an empty stomach just a few hours earlier. I grunt in pain and she must of heard me.

_"Elliot? What's wrong?"_

"'Nothing. I'm fine."

_"You're so full of shit Stabler. You were drinking again weren't you? Damn it Elliot! I'm coming over."_

Before I can even argue with her she hangs up the phone. It is for the best anyway, I never would have won the fight. I never could hide anything from Olivia. I think she knows me better than anyone ever has or will, including myself. As I get up from my place on the couch to walk to my room I once again see the picture on my coffee table. As soon as I do a part of me smiles. She always seems to know when I need her, even when I wont admit it or even tell her. She just knows.

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_~ Flashback - One Month Earlier ~_

_I can hear the pounding on my door. I can hear her voice. I can hear her calling for me, but I can't move. I am paralyzed. What is she doing here? _

_"Elliot! God Damn It El! I know you're in there. Let me in. I have been calling you for over three hours. I know something is wrong, just let me in. Please. Elliot?"_

_I try, but I can't move. _

_"Liivvv?"_

_"I am using my key El. Hold on."_

_Within seconds she is by my side. I can feel her hands on my face. I can see the panic in her eyes._

_"Elliot...Elliot are you okay? Elliot what happened?"_

_"Li...Liv?"_

_"Yeah El, it's me. How much did you drink Elliot?"_

_I didn't even realize it. There lying next to me is an empty bottle of scotch. No glass in site. All I feel is pain, but it isn't from the alcohol._

_"Why Liv? Why..."_

_"I need you to sit up for me. Come on. I need you to throw up for me Elliot. Can you do that? Can you make yourself throw up El?"_

_I nod but I can't move. Olivia moves her hands around my waist lifting me up so I am on my knees, clasping her hands into a fist in front of my stomach. She uses her upper arm strength to hold me and before I know it she is thrusting her fists gently, but forcefully, into my stomach. I feel the my insides begin to churn and my throat start to burn. Within a couple of seconds I gain some of my own barrings back and my finger is down my throat. A second later, I throw up all over the floor next to her. She doesn't run, she doesn't get annoyed. She just begins to gentle pet my hair as I cough and lays me back down.  
_

_She moves her arms under me and scoops me up so my head is laying on her chest. My legs perpendicular to hers. I didn't even realize she had gotten a wet rag from the kitchen and she is patting my head ever so gently. I don't know how she knew to come and I don't care. I need her. I don't know why, but in that moment I find release. The flood gates open and I fear I will never be able to close them again._

_"She always liked you Liv. Since the day she met you. She really liked you. She told me that."_

_"Who Elliot? Kathy?"_

_Kathy left me again. We had gotten into another one of our endless fights about my job and she told me to leave. She wanted me to quit. She wanted me to give up my career. I just couldn't do it. She took the kids again and went to her mothers. Told me that I had twenty four hours to move back into my old apartment. I never got rid of it, and to this day I am not sure why. That was two days before I got the call. Two days before today. Two days before I found out that my mother has passed away. _

_My mother and I always had a rocky relationship. We were never really close, but after everything that happened with Kathleen this past year we grew so much closer. I found out what she had done for Kathleen in talking with her while she was in lock up. Kathleen had told me about her visit a few weeks afterwords when I went to see her at the hospital. She told me how my mother made Olivia promise not to tell me, and suddenly her comment about me being a carrot finally made sense. Olivia had talked with my mother. I went to my mothers to thank her for what she did. Not many words were said but from that point on our relationship only began to move up hill. We finally began to form a relationship with each other of mutual understanding and trust. If it wasn't for Olivia and her talking with her, that may never have happened. _

_"My mom."_

_It is hard for me to see straight but I can tell she is now tearing. I can see it in her face and hear it in her voice._

_"What happened to your mom El?"_

_"Died."_

_I can't get any other words out. Instead I just dig my head into her chest and for the first time in a very long time I cry. I cry harder than I ever have. She just holds me. She pulls me impossibly closer to her and holds onto me with every part of her. She doesn't try to find the right words. She knows there isn't any. She knows there is nothing she can say to make it better. Nothing she can say can take away my pain. In less than a week I lost my wife, my children, and my mother. My world was falling apart from all around me. She knows that the only thing I need right now is for someone to be there to hold it together. For her to be someone for me to hold onto. I need my best friend._

_Finally after what feels like forever I fall asleep in her arms. Her gentle sobs playing as my lullaby. _

_~ End Flashback ~_

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It only takes her about ten minutes to get to my apartment. Liv is known for speeding when she feels she is needed. That is how she is. She puts others in front of herself no matter what that means. Getting a speeding ticket means nothing to her as long as she gets to were she is needed as fast as possible. I hear the knock on the door and walk over to let her in. When she takes notice of me a smile crosses her face.

"Well you are standing this time, that is a plus."

"Ha Ha Ha. Very funny. I told you I was fine Liv."

"Yeah once again I am going to call bull shit on that." She crosses her arms in front of her and smirks. "You letting me in or what Stabler?"

I move to the side and she goes past me. Upon seeing my piles of still unopened boxes she turns around to face me, and the look on her face tells me that she knows she has just proved me wrong.

"Elliot. A quote, unquote,_ fine _person would not still have an apartment of unpacked boxes over a month after moving in."

I close the door and turn back around to look at her. I am not in the mood for doing this today. More so, I can't do this today.

"Just because I am lazy doesn't mean I am not fine."

She doesn't buy it. She walks up to me and the concern in her eyes almost brings me to tears. She places her hand ever so gently on my shoulder and stares me in the eyes.

"Elliot. Please. Let me help you."

There is half of me that is begging for her to help me. That part of me wants to curl up into her arms again and let her take all of my pain away. The other half of me isn't ready to face it. Isn't ready to admit what a mess I really am. Like I said, it is easier to ignore it and push the people closest to you away than to face it. Face the demons within you that seem to have taken control of your thoughts. I feel like I am losing control again. I feel like I am going to break. Everything is starting to get fuzzy. My stomach hurts.

Anger. Anger once again replaces sadness.

"Jesus Christ Liv! Nothing is wrong. Okay? So what, I didn't unpack a few boxes? Get off my back will ya!"

She doesn't falter. She doesn't stand down. She doesn't change her expression at all. She just continues to stare at me. The same look in her eyes. The same concern.

"No."

"What do you mean no?"

"Elliot I know you. I know that something is wrong. You aren't yourself. I mean hell.... Elliot it isn't even noon and I can smell the scotch all over you!"

I can't do this. I can't fight with her. I can't talk to her. I am not strong enough. Hell, I don't even know what to tell her. I don't...I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't explain it. My head is spinning. I am nauseous. It is getting harder for me to breathe. I feel like the room is getting smaller and all I want to do is go away and hide. Everything is so fuzzy. I can hear my own heart beat pounding in my ears. My stomach hurts. I need to get away. Hide from everything. Hide from it all. Hide from whatever it is that I don't know is scaring me to death. All I can feel right now is fear and I don't even know what I am so afraid of. What the hell is wrong with me? I feel like I am going insane. Why am I starting to shake?

"Just leave Olivia. I didn't ask you to come over here remember! Please...just leave me alone. Please."

"I am not leaving Elliot. Not until you talk to me. You are my best friend Elliot. I hate seeing you like this. I am not going to just sit back and watch you destroy yourself damn it! I mean look at yourself Elliot. I have never seen you like this."

Then it happens. Her tears. There are only a few and I can tell she is angry with herself for letting them escape. She wipes at her face and I know she is hoping I didn't see them. That is one thing that Olivia and I share. We both try to be way too strong for our own damn good. I feel the guilt building up inside of me because I caused her pain. I hurt her. It is eating at me already. I don't want her to feel what I feel. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. I can't do this to her. I can't hurt her. My stomach hurts. She is my best friend. She doesn't need to see me like this. The room is getting smaller again. My face feels so warm. I need air. I need to get out of here. I'm dizzy.

"Olivia...I...I can't...."

"Why not Elliot? Why can't you talk to me? I can see you're hurting. Let me help you. Please. What is wrong El? You're scaring me."

I know it is wrong. I know it isn't the right thing to do, but I can't face her. I can't let her see how screwed up I really am. Even though a large part of me wants to. A large part of me needs for someone to tell me what is wrong. Needs for someone to make this all go away. I just can't do it. Man my stomach hurts. I can feel my palms sweating and feel my fingers tingling. I need to get away. It is so stuffy in here. I just need...I need to get out of this room.

I lean forward and give her a kiss on the cheek and wipe away what is left of her tears with my now trembling finger. I hope she can see it in my eyes. I hope that she can still read my eyes like I can read hers. I don't want to hurt her, but I just need to be alone. I need to escape.

Without a word I go to my room and close the door. I don't even know if she has left as I curl up in my bed and hide away from it all in sleep.

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TBC

_I hope you guys liked this chapter. _

_I have lots more E/O to come, and I promise it **will** eventually__ be **much much** happier lol Remember, it's me. I'm all about E/O love!  
_

_Please please please review. How am I to know if I am doing this story justice if you guys don't tell me? :cD_

~~ Authors Side Note ~~

In case any of you might be confused, Elliot was having a panic attack towards the end of this chapter . Anxiety and Panic attacks are issues that I hold extremely, extremely close to my heart. I am not going to be basing this story off of them, or be pushing the issue down your throats. So no worries. I just wanted to make sure you understood what was going on as to not confuse readers who may have never heard about the issue or understood what was going on.

;c)


	3. Chapter 3

_So this is a VERY short chapter but I wanted to get at least something up before the weekend ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order SVU or any of its characters. This was written for fun not profit. They belong to Dick Wolf._

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**Chapter Three**

I woke up several hours later from a dreamless and very deep sleep. The pounding in my head has finally stopped but it is replaced with this immeasurable amount of guilt that I feel for walking away from Olivia. How could I have left her alone standing in the middle of my living room? What came over me that I ran away from the one person I think I need the most right now? I just hope that she can forgive me for doing it. I have to figure out what is wrong with me some how before I end up losing my best friend.

When I get up from my position on the bed and walk towards my bedroom door I have one thing in mind. _Scotch._

When my bedroom door opens I am face to face with the most unexpected scene laid out before me. All of the boxes that once laid spread out throughout my apartment are now emptied, and folded up in a pile next to my front door. My apartment is completely put together with pictures and art work on the walls, my book shelf assembled and filled with my books, and even my entertainment center has been assembled complete with my television on it and my DVDs put away. I walk over to my kitchen and open the cabinets to reveal that every dish has been carefully unpacked and put away. My refrigerator has been filled to the brink with food, water, and orange juice. Even the pantry has been stock piled with some of my favorite snacks. I can't help but be amazed at how everything through out my apartment is placed exactly in the spots where I would have placed them if I had done it myself. Even the food is dead on with what I would have purchased.

When I turn around again that is when I notice the empty bottle of scotch in the center of my kitchen table. Placed underneath it is a note written on scrap paper. As I approach the table, and take the note in my hand, I can once again feel the all to familiar feeling lately of water building up in my eyes.

_El, _

_I know that you are going through some things right now in your life that you don't want me to know about, or maybe just don't think I will understand. I know how you are, and I promise I wont push you to talk to me, but I want you to know that I am here for you Elliot. I may not have the answers for your problems, or even know what to say, but I am here to listen. You have to know by now that I would never judge you. I would never think less of you for any reason. I am here if you need a friend to lean on. You don't always have to be so strong Elliot. You don't always have to get through things on your own. Sometimes the only way to get through the rough times is to give into them. It doesn't make you weak, it doesn't make you less of a man. It makes you human El. Trying to drink away your pain while isolating yourself from those around you, it wont make it go away. Take it from someone who knows. I have seen what trying to drink your problems away has done to people first hand. Please, if not for yourself, but for me, don't do it. Don't make me see another person I care about waste away behind the bottle. There are other options Elliot. I promise._

_I knew you were never going to get around to it, or at least not for a long time, so I took it upon myself to help you with unpacking. I know you are probably going to be pissed that I did it, but I wanted to. So get over it. Maybe if you are surrounded by pictures of your friends and family, and a clean livable apartment, it will give you more hope, rather than having the constant reminder of your failed marriage taunting you every day in the form of boxes. I also went shopping and got you some food, and something to drink other than alcohol. You need to eat Elliot. Oh, and don't even think for one second that I will let you pay me back.  
_

_You are stronger than you think El. Just remember you don't always have to be so strong by yourself. If it isn't me, find someone who you can talk to, because I know something is wrong. You can tell me until your blue in the face that you are fine, but I know other wise. You are my best friend, and the last thing I want is to see you crumble right before my eyes. _

_Hopefully you had a good nap. Don't bother looking for any other alcohol because it joined the scotch down the sink. _

_Call me if you need me. I am here for you no matter what time it is. Just remember that okay?_

_Sincerely,  
Liv_

_PS: Did I seriously find a copy of Titanic in your DVD collection? If you can live with yourself owning that movie, anything else should be a piece of cake. _

As I finish reading the last of the words scribbled on the paper I find myself for the first time, in a very long time, smiling. Not because I have to for show, but because I want to.

With out even thinking about it first, I go into my bedroom and change into a clean pair of clothes. I brush my teeth and within ten minutes I am out the door.

I have only one destination in mind.

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TBC

_Well? What did you think? Next chapter is going to be __**a lot **__longer and filled with a lot more E/O time._

_PLEASE review. I really want to know what you guys think. I am not the type to request a certain amount of reviews before posting again, but it really does help me know if I need to change things up, or if the story is even worth continuing. I have A LOT in store for this story. I am pretty excited about it, but it would be cool to know if you guys were too. I am pretty new to writing Fan Fics so I need all the motivation/help I can get_.


	4. Chapter 4

_It isn't as long as I wanted but things are going to be REALLY crazy the next couple days. I had chapter on my laptop and I wanted to at least get something up for you guys so I figured a shorter chapter was better than none at all. I most likely wont be able to post for a couple days. This story or Suddenly Someone. Sorry. :c( _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order SVU or any of its characters. This was written for fun not profit. They belong to Dick Wolf._

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**Chapter Four**

As I climb the stairs of her apartment building, I can feel myself once again becoming consumed with this unknown fear. It flows deep within me, and grows stronger as my foot collides with each and every step. As I begin to pound on the door I can feel my heartbeat echoing in my ears, and I am starting to question if I should have come. However, only one thought remains clear to me as the door opens, and I see her standing before me. It is the only thing that has remained certain to me since I left my apartment.

Without words, without warning, I fall. I collapse inside her arms and hold onto her tighter than I ever could of imagined. She doesn't say anything, she just holds me back. No tears are falling. No words are being spoken. I don't even think I am breathing. I just hold onto her because right now I fear that if I let go I truly will shatter. I don't know who I am anymore. I am so lost and confused about everything, everything except this. She is the only thing I am sure about in my life anymore. I lost my wife of over twenty years because I wasn't willing to give up a career that some days I can't even stand. My kids wont speak to me because they are angry with me for failing to work things out with their mother. I lost my own mother just as I had regained a shred of hope that we could possibly develop a real relationship with one another. I have completely lost who I am.

I am no longer a husband. I am no longer a father. I am no longer a son. I am nothing.

Finally, after what had to be minutes of silence she tries to pull away from me. I don't know why but as soon as she does, I feel all of that panic and fear resurface instantly. I grab hold of her again and silently beg for her not to let me go. I am so fragile right now, and I need for her just to hold me together. I don't understand it, but for some reason the only thing that makes the pain go away is her.

She is my reinforcements. She is the extra armour that I so desperately need.

She doesn't let go.

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We have been standing in her entryway for over fifteen minutes, and not once has she said a word. She hasn't tried a second time to pull away. She just holds me. Usually I would question her succumbing to my needs so easily, but right now it doesn't matter to me. All that matters is that in all of this darkness surrounding me lately I still have a tiny ray of light to help guide me back to who I was before. I still don't quite understand why it is illuminating off of only her, and honestly I don't care. I just know that at this moment she is the only constant variable in my life, and if this light goes out like the others did, I will be lost forever in darkness. I can't lose her too.

I finally after another minute or so gain the courage, and attempt to move away for her. However it is her now who pulls me back into her arms. I know that it is her way of silently reassuring me that I don't have to let go, and I am glad she did it. A part of me isn't ready to let go just yet.

"Thank you."

A minute later I once again begin to move away from her hold, and she timidly begins releasing her hold back on me. As she pulls away she looks into my eyes, and I swear I can see straight into her soul.

"Are you okay?"

I turn around and place my hand on the door knob to leave, turning only my head around to speak to her as I do. Someone needs to know, and I need to say it, and as the words roll of my tongue it is nothing but a hopeless whisper....

"No."

She doesn't say anything. Her lips form into a sad smile, and she simply nods, while placing her hand on my shoulder to reinforce that she is there for me. It is the most I am able to admit right now, and she knows this, but she is reminding me she is here for when I am ready to talk. I only hope she is willing to deal with me in the mean time because I honestly have no idea when that is going to be. Right now I feel like I will never have the courage to open up to her, even though every part of me wants to.

She removes her hand from my shoulder and begins to walk away. Without taking my hand off of the doorknob I turn around to face her.

"Liv?"

She stops dead in her tracks, and abruptly turns back around. It is only then that I notice the tears in her eyes. I have only seen Olivia cry three times in the the past year, and all of those times it was because she was crying for me.

"Yeah El?"

I know that I am not ready to talk about it, but I also know that I am not ready to leave either. I need her, and she needs to know she can help me. Thinking back to the note that brought me here in the first place, I once again find a smile making its way across my face.

"You really don't like Titanic?"

Her laughter fills the room and almost immediately I follow suit. I honestly can't remember the last time I have laughed like this. Before I know it I am once again moving towards her and I embrace her in another hug. As the laughter begins to subside I find myself tightening my grip around her, and when I speak I know she can hear my voice breaking. Fighting to hold back my own tears.

"Don't let me go Liv. I am barely holding on. I can't do this alone."

"I'll never let go El. I'll never let go."

I can't help but chuckle a bit at her obvious choice of words, and I am eternally grateful to her for it. I don't think I could handle anything else right now and I could use a few laughs. I once again pull away from her, and when my eyes meet hers, I for the first time in a very long time, begin to feel that maybe, just maybe, the smallest glimmer of hope remains within me. That all of my faith has not yet died.

"Do you think it would be okay if I hung out for a little while longer? I know it is late but I am not really ready to go home yet."

Her smile says it all.

"Stay as long as you need El." She pats me lightly on the arm and turns to walk into her living room. Half way there she stops and turns around facing me with a smile. "Come on, lets watch a movie. I don't own such a fine classic as Titanic, but perhaps we can find something."

"I am never going to live that down am I?"

"Nope."

"Just to let you know it is Lizzie's DVD, not mine. She use to make me watch it with her when she was sick."

"Sure El. Whatever you say."

Shaking my head in defeat I follow her lead into the living room. I make my way over to the couch and sit down as she heads over to flip through her DVD case. As I watch her flipping through the pages of movies I suddenly begin to feel that maybe God hasn't forgotten me completely. Maybe her coming over this afternoon was Him answering my prayers from early this morning. Maybe she is what will guide me back to finding myself again.

If that is the case though, then why is it so hard for me to talk to her?

I am broken from my thoughts as my stomach makes this unmistakable grumbling noise that both of us hear loud and clear. I quickly place my hands over my empty stomach and look up at her only to be met with a very unhappy expression on her face.

"Elliot when was the last time you ate?"

I wonder if I should be honest and tell her my only meal today was two shots of scotch and yesterday I only ate half an apple? That probably wouldn't be the best idea though. As I sit here and try to figure out what to tell her, my lack of an answer must have answered her, because before I know it she is picking up her cell phone and starts to dial.

"Yes, I'd like to place an order for delivery please....Benson....Yeah, can I have a large pie..... pepper and onions......Yeah, a side order of mozzarella sticks and do you still have that garlic dipping sauce?.....okay great I'll take that....no that is all.....1446 8th Street Apt 4J.....thank you."

She hangs up and sits down next to me on the couch with a smile once again lighting up her face.

"Pizza will be here in fifteen minutes."

"I am paying for the pizza Liv."

"No you're not. My treat."

"Liv, you already unpacked my boxes, cleaned and decorated my apartment, oh and lets not forget you bought food to fill my empty fridge and pantry. Please, let me at least pay for the pizza."

She must see in my eyes all of the guilt I have for all she is doing for me, because without a further argument, she nods in agreement.

"Good. So how about that movie?"

"We don't have to watch a movie if you don't want to Elliot. We can do something else if you want."

"Like what?"

She shifts to face me, bouncing up on the couch to sit with her legs folded underneath her and placing her arm across the top of it.

"I don't know. Did you have anything in mind?"

I know what she is trying to do, and I can't help but give her credit for trying.

"I am still not ready to talk Liv."

"I didn't say you had to. I was just asking what you wanted to do."

The look on her face tells me she knows she got caught, but I also know she wont push me either. I repeat her actions from a second ago, moving myself to face her on the couch.

"Honestly?"

She nods.

"I would kill for a nice cold beer right now. Just one beer. No liquor."

Squinting her eyes and pouting her lips at me she gets up slowly from the couch and begins to walk towards the kitchen. Before she steps through the doorway I hear her call out to me.

"One beer El. That's it okay?"

I try to resist the sarcasm, but I can't help it.

"_Yes, mother_."

I regret the words as soon as I see the look that appears on Olivia's face. It is one I have never seen her give me before. She is pleading with me. She is scared. I get up from the couch, and make my way over to her, placing my hand lightly on her shoulder and looking directly into her eyes.

"Liv, I promise you, no more shots, no more binge drinking sessions alone in my apartment. I can't do that to you. I didn't...I wasn't thinking before about what it could do to you, let alone myself. I am sorry. I just, I've been so lost Liv. I didn't.." I hang my head down to the floor because facing her now will truly break me. "I felt like I didn't have any other way to escape. I needed a way to escape."

"You could of called me Elliot. I am here for you. Don't you know that?"

"It isn't that simple Liv. I wish it was. Believe me, I wish I could tell you everything that is bothering me. I wish I could talk to you about all these thoughts I have going on in my head. About these emotions that are taking over my body, but I can't. I don't even know those answers myself. I don't know what is wrong with me. Most of the time it is hard for me to even leave the apartment. There is just so many things going on in my head at one time that I can't figure out what exactly is bothering me. I am loosing control of my thoughts and emotions. I am slipping away from myself more and more each day, and I hate who I am becoming. I feel so lost and broken that I don't think I can ever be put back together. I don't know who I am anymore and....."

Just then the sound of the buzzer cuts me off, and I can't help but thank God for the escape. I fear that if I start now, I wont be able to stop, and the look of concern on Olivia's face right now makes me want to hide away forever.

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TBC

_So what did you guys think? Lots more to come. I will TRY and post again soon. _

_PLEASE review. I really look forward to seeing what people think of this and all my other writings. It honestly motivates me to keep going. I mean, why bother taking the time to write if no one is going to read it?_


	5. Chapter 5

_So so sorry about the wait on this chapter. It is not even close to as long as I wanted. I ended up splitting it into two different chapters and hopefully I will have the next one up in a day or two. I am still pretty sick, but FINALLY starting to feel a little better. I wanted to at least get something up for you guys.  
_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order SVU or any of its characters. This was written for fun not profit. They belong to Dick Wolf._

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_

**Chapter Five**

As the buzzer rings for a second time I once again thank God for the distraction, and begin to make my way towards the front door. I only make it two steps when I feel her hand grip gently around my wrist, turning me back to face her.

"You'll get through this El. I promise. We'll get through this together."

She sounds so sure of it, and the look in her eyes only proves to me that she means it. Almost every single part of me wants nothing more than to roll my eyes right now, and tell her that she is full of shit, but for some reason I instead find myself smiling. I give her a quick nod and turn to head back to the door just in time to hear it buzz for a third time.

-------------------------------------------------------

Much like I expected we ended up eating the pizza in compete silence. She kept looking at me as if she wanted to say something. Every once in a while I even saw her mouth open and close but words refused to escape. I knew once I slipped up and started rambling before that it was going to be awkward between us now, but I didn't realize it would be this awkward.

"Liv, about before, I am sorry I..."

"Elliot. Don't. Don't you dare apologize."

We both take a nice long sip from our beers. The cold liquid giving me the courage to keep talking.

"I would understand if you want to talk to Cragen about getting a new partner. I..."

Before I can finish my statement her beer is on the coffee table and her hands are on my shoulders. Her eyes are locked onto mine with a stare only Olivia is capable of possessing.

"What the hell are you talking about? Why would I want a new partner?"

"You probably think I am crazy after all that shit I said before. I don't blame you if you don't trust me to have your back...."

"Elliot. You listen to me, and you listen good. There is no one, and I mean no one that I would rather have watching my back. I have trusted you with protecting me for the past eleven years, and I will be damned if that is going to change just because you are going through a rough spot. Do I make myself clear?"

I have so many things I want to say right now but instead I just nod. I can tell she has something she wants to say, and I would be lying to myself if I said I didn't want to hear it.

"Good. Now I am not going to sit here and tell you that I understand what you're going through, or that I even understood what you were trying to say before. What I can tell you for certain is that you are trying to take on way to many things at once El. You seriously need to just sit back, take a deep breath, and stop being such an egotistical bastard that you let yourself have a melt down before you try and get help."

"Liv I..."

"Hold on, I'm not done."

I have seen this look in her eyes so many times before. It is the one she gets right before she interrogates a perp, and I've got to say, I don't like being on the receiving end of it.

"Life is never easy Elliot, and I know that you have had a lot on your plate right now, but you can't try and address all of your problems at once, or you really are going to loose control. I know you El, I know that you don't like admitting that you need help, and I know you are trying to be strong, but seriously get over yourself. If you keep trying to push everyone away, eventually it will work."

"I am trying to Liv but..."

"That's bullshit Elliot and you know it! Everyone in the squad sees that something is wrong, and you have been taking all of your problems out on me and the guys at work. I have been trying to get you to talk to me, or talk to someone, but for some reason you find it so much easier to either yell or drink it all away. I don't want a new partner Elliot... I want my old one back."

"What do you want me to say Liv? You have no idea what I am going through. In a matter of a month I have lost my marriage, my mother, and my children. I have lost almost everything that it is important to me, and I don't understand why. I hate that I am filled with such self pity, and self hate, that it is hard for me to look at you in the eyes, and not worry that you see the failure that I am."

"You aren't a failure Elliot. You are human, and very far from perfect like most of us. I mean, look at me, I am going to be forty-two years old and I am not not married. I don't have a family, or any children. Does that make me a failure?"

"No! No, of course not, it's just..."

"Listen El, your marriage ending wasn't just your fault. Kathy was asking something of you that you weren't willing to give, and quite frankly I think it was selfish of her to put you in that situation in the first place. That is besides the point though. You guys tried to make it work, twice, and I know I have never been married myself, but the last time I checked it was a two way street. Stop beating yourself up over something that you didn't have complete control over."

"Maybe I should have quit, then we could of had more time to..."

"No. You quitting wouldn't have fixed anything Elliot. It would have only made you resent her, and over time that would have caused more problems, and you would be right where you are now anyway."

I can' t help but sigh in frustration and rub my palms up and down my face. I know she is right, and damn her for it.

"As far as your kids go, they are angry Elliot, but they will get over it in time. No matter what happened they are still your children, and you are still their father. They are teenagers, confused and angry teenagers, and Eli is still too young to grasp what is going on. Go talk to them Elliot. Make them listen to you, tell your side of the story, and tell them how much you love them. Sitting on your ass in a dark empty apartment hating yourself isn't going to fix things with them."

"You make it all seem so simple Liv, but it isn't."

"You're right, it's not. I never once said it was, but you have to get off your ass and try and fix things. You have to put in an effort and not sit around waiting for things to just magically get better because they wont. Marriages end Elliot, it is nothing new. I mean, look at Munch, he has three divorces under his belt, and none of us think less of him because of it. Don't be stupid and give up on your kids just because you are pissed your ego took a hit when things didn't work out with their mother. Giving up on them...now that will give people a reason to think less of you, not your divorce."

"I haven't given up on my kids Olivia! I would never give up on them!"

"Then prove it! Because from where I'm sitting that sure as hell is what it looks like. It seems to me like you have given up on everything in your life!"

"You ask me to open up to you and then you criticize me when I try to? You don't know a damn thing about what I have or haven't given up on Olivia!"

"Oh really? How many times in past month have I picked you up passed out at a bar? How many times have I held back Fin or Munch when you flipped out on them at work? How many times have I called you only to find that you are drunk or to angry at the world to talk? How many times have I had to step in and talk to Cragen when you try and beat the shit out of a perp in interrogation because they just look at you the wrong way? How many times Elliot? I may not know exactly what you are going through, but I do know how you are acting, and this isn't how a person who feels like they have any reason to live acts!"

I can't believe her. I can't believe this conversation, and she is crazy if she thinks I am going to sit here and listen to this crap. As quick as my legs can take me I grab my coat and make my way to the door. I hear her voice calling out from behind me, and damn her for having the power to stop me.

"'Walking away from this isn't going to fix things Elliot. Once again walking away from the one person who is actually trying to help you isn't going to change anything. You keep walking away like this Elliot and one day I wont be around when you want to walk back."

"I don't know what you want from me Liv."

As my hand slips off the doorknob I hear her get up from the couch and begin walking towards me. She places her hand on my shoulder and when she speaks all of the anger from a moment ago is gone from her voice.

"I want you to drop the ego, stop being such a stubborn self loathing son of a bitch, and to let me help you."

I can't help but laugh. Only Olivia can say something like that and make a person want to give them a hug. Pushing all of what just happened aside I smile down to her and pull her into a hug. Needing to once again feel being in her arms.

"Well when you put it in such a kind way as that."

"Come on, enough talking for now. Why don't we watch that movie, and you agree that you will call your kids tomorrow. I wasn't lying before Elliot. We will get through this together, one thing at time, and the first thing is going to be your kids. "

I don't know when it happened, or how it happened, but in that moment, as I look down into her beautiful brown eyes I finally realize why it has been so hard for me to talk to her. I finally see what it was that was holding me back from opening up to her, and letting her see how vulnerable I can be.

"Deal."

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TBC

_Let the transition from friends to something more begin...._

_Please please PLEASE review. I really really really want to hear what you guys think. I know this chapter probably wasn't the best, but I promise it will get better.  
_


	6. Chapter 6

_Thank you so much for all of you who took the time to review this story. Your kind words truly do mean a lot to me. Thank you. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order SVU or any of its characters. This was written for fun not profit. They belong to Dick Wolf._

_---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter Six**

As I get out of my car, and step onto the driveway, I don't know why but I am incredibly nervous, and have this horrible feeling in the bit of my stomach. I kept my promise to Liv calling my children this morning and asking Kathy to let me take them for lunch. They are home for summer vacation so I decided to pick them up, and take them out for pizza at our old favorite place down the street. I figured that maybe some memories will help me rekindle any form of a relationship with them again. After a lot of persuading Liv even agreed to come so that there was an outside party to help smooth things over if it gets rocky. She was meeting us at the pizza place.

As I walk up to the house I can feel my heart pounding, and the beads of sweat start to form on my forehead. When I reach the porch I find myself stopping abruptly when I notice that the door is ever so slightly ajar. _Kathy never leaves the door open? _After shaking it off as nothing but an honest mistake I make way up to knock on the door, and walk into the place I use to call home. It is unusually quiet for the middle of the day, and I notice that the TV has been left on in the living room with no one watching.

"Hello? Where are you guys?"

No answer. I guess they are upstairs so I make my up, and as I reach the third step that is when I see it. _Blood._ I feel my hands start to tremble, and the fear that overtakes me is something I never thought imaginable. I run up the rest of the stairs, taking them two at a time, reaching for my holster to remove my gun. Just as I click off the safety I see them, and at that very moment my soul dies.

There, in the master bedroom, laying on what use to be my bed, are my five children. Dickie and Lizzie are holding hands laying perpendicular to the top with Kathleen, Maureen and little Eli face down in the middle. Each of them covered in blood. Their angelic faces blue.

"No! God no!"

I run up to them, hopelessly trying to find a pulse on each of their throats. Praying that God hasn't taken them away from me. Not my children. Not them. Tears are pouring down my face and the pain I feel in my head and stomach is so strong that I think it might kill me. Their innocent bodies are covered in nothing but bruises and blood. Fear is left stained on all their faces. Their cold bodies clinging to one another as they must have been comforting each other as they were overcome by death. Death. My children, my babies, are dead.

"No! No! Please God no!"

With trembling hands I reach for my cell phone but it isn't there. Tears are pouring from my eyes and it is hard to breathe. I slowly reach down and pick up Eli to hold him close to my chest, and I can feel the dampness from when he must have wet himself. _He is so cold. _This isn't happening. This can't be happening. As I stand next to the bed, holding my youngest in my arms, I see from the corner of my eye a limp figure in the corner of the room. _No, Kathy._ As I move closer I begin to make out the lifeless form, and all of my motor skills falter useless.

"No!.... No!"

I gently place my limp son onto the bed and run over to her lifeless body. She too is covered in blood, and when I turn her over I can see the fear frozen forever now in her lifeless brown eyes. I take her up into my arms and hold her close to me. I am shaking now, and I don't think I am breathing any longer. I can hear my heart once again beating loudly in my ears, my stomach is churning, my palms are sweating, and I am consumed with nothing but hopelessness. If my gun wasn't on the other side of the room I may have already eaten a bullet.

"Liv! Olivia! God why? Not them! Not them! Not my children....Not her!"

She had said she would meet us there. She wasn't suppose to come here. I slowly begin to slump down to the floor, Olivia in my arms, mourning their lives, lives cut too short. Lives I can't live without. I cry uncontrollably and the loss and sadness I feel cannot be expressed in words.

"No! This isn't happening! God No!...No!!!!"

That is when I hear it, her soft voice, it is so faint, it is so far away, but I swear I can hear it. I look down at her and her lifeless eyes are still staring back at me.

"Liv! Olivia!!!"

Suddenly I feel my body start to shake. It is shaking harder and harder and I swear her voice is getting louder. I swear she is calling to me, but when I look down at her eyes I know it isn't true.

"Liv...."

Once again my body is moving, shaking, and this time I feel her touching me. I feel her shaking me. It feels so real.

"Elliot."

I close my eyes and listen. I can hear her. I swear I can hear her. The voices in my head once again playing cruel tricks on me. I try one last time to call out to her.

"Olivia!!!!"

I feel my body shake again but this time the force of it causes my eyes to spring open.

"Elliot...El..wake up El!"

I am overcome with a bout of confusion as I begin to feel that I am soaked from head to toe, covered in sweat, and all I see before me is her eyes locked onto mine. That same fear still showing within them, but this time, they are full of life.

"Liv?"

I feel her gently begin to run her hand through my hair, and place her other on my cheek. I am breathing so heavily I think my chest is going to explode. When she speaks it is so soft and calming that it causes me to close my eyes once again, as I move my face closer into her touch.

"I am here El...It's okay...I am here..It was just a dream. It was just a bad dream."

She gently pulls me into her lap, and as she does, I hold onto her tighter than I have ever held anyone. The reality of what had happened sinks in and I feel the tears silently begin to fall from my eyes.

"I thought I lost you. I thought I lost all of you."

She continues to run her one hand soothingly through my hair, and her other rubs circles up and down my back. As hard as I try to fight it my body continues to shake within her arms.

"Shh..it's okay. We fell asleep watching the movie El. It was just a dream. Okay? It was just a dream."

Unable to find any words I just nod into her chest and take in a long deep breath.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

As I start to think back at the images of my nightmare I can feel my stomach start to churn. I once again see their lifeless bodies, bruised and battered, covered in blood. The fear and sadness that comes over me is too much to bare, and before I know it I am throwing up onto the floor. Hunched over, holding my stomach, I feel her hand begin to run up and down my spine. I begin to heave out nothing but air as the tears fall silently from my swollen eyes. Finally after what feels like forever I find my voice again, it is weak and broken, but it is there.

"I went to the house to pick up the kids...they were...they were all dead. Covered in blood, cold and blue...."

"They are okay Elliot. I promise. They are okay."

"You...you weren't suppose to be there, but...you were. You were...Oh God Liv....I thought I lost everything....I thought I lost all of you."

As I slump back against the couch Olivia quickly moves to squat down in front of me, and places her hands on my face to cup my cheeks.

"You didn't loose us El. Okay?"

Her eyes are moving quickly from side to side, and I can see the water building up within in them. As I stare into her pools of brown I am taken back to my dream, and how lifeless her eyes had looked as I held her, and I find myself reaching out to her. Ever so gently I place my finger on her face, and slowly run it across her eyelid, needing to feel the life within them. As she closes her eyes she lets out the softest breath of air, and my heart is lit on fire. I remove my finger from the one and repeat my actions on the other, the rapid movement of it bringing me slowly back to life. When I release my touch from her face she slowly opens her eyes, breathing heavily as the tears that were hiding beneath her lids fall slowly down her cheeks.

"I am okay."

Finally I am able to breathe, but as I look once again into her eyes, I begin to feel fear in the pit of my stomach. However the reason behind it has nothing at all to do with my dream. It has everything to do with her. Swallowing the lump that now lies in the pit of my throat I find my voice once more.

"Sorry about your carpet."

She smiles, and I swear my heart explodes.

"Don't worry about it Elliot. It's no big deal. Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"Come on. We better get you out of these clothes. They're soaked."

She stands up from her squatting position and reaches down to help me up. As soon as my hand locks with hers my mouth becomes dry, and I feel as though I am going to once again loose my stomach. I need to get away from her for a few minutes. I don't know what this feeling is, but it is scaring the shit out of me.

"Do you mind if I take a shower?"

"Not at all. Let me get you some towels. I think I still have a pair of your sweatpants and a t-shirt around here somewhere too. You left them here after we went running a couple months ago. I'll be right back.

As she turns around, and begins to descend down the hallway I find myself staring at her. I didn't realize before, but before she fell asleep she changed into pair of pajama pants and a tight fitting tank top. The top leaves the tiniest line of her mid-drift bare, and I can't help but admire how beautiful she is. I start to feel hot again and pull my sweat-filled shirt over my head, and make my way down towards the bathroom. I don't know what has gotten over me. This is Olivia.

"Here Elliot I found..."

She must have been looking down at the ground as she was exiting her bedroom because she pumps right into me, clothes and towels hitting the floor upon contact. To prevent her from falling I secure my arm around her waist and she falls back into it, her arms falling forward wrapping around my neck. As we both regain our balance I can feel her heavy breathing in perfect sync with mine. Our heaving chests meeting each other and the contact makes my blood boil. Never before have we been this close, with so little between us, and I can tell that the thoughts of my mind are being reflected back to me in her eyes. After a minute of us standing in each others arms she clears her throat, and moves away, bending down to pick up the items from the floor.

"Sorry El. I uh...I got you a towel, and I was able to find those clothes. Take as long as you need."

With that she moves past me and down the hallway.

I can't help but feel like the dynamic between us has just drastically changed.

--------------------------------

As the cold water makes contact with my face I feel all of my senses are still on high alert. I have been having nightmares like that for at least the past three weeks. Each time becoming more vivid, and harder and harder for me to forget. I can't remember the last time I have gotten an undisturbed nights sleep. Often times I find it easier to avoid sleep all together in fear of what nightmares sleep might bring. That, or downing a bottle of scotch are the only things that have brought me dreamless sleep. Finishing up in the shower I turn off the water and reach for the towel hanging over the curtain. I dry myself off and get dressed, leaving the bathroom hoping that whatever just went on between Liv and I has past.

When I reach the living room I see her kneeling on the floor in front of her couch scrubbing vigorously at her carpet. She has also covered herself up with what looks like my gray hooded sweatshirt. I had asked her months ago if I left it here and she adamantly told me I hadn't. I knew she was lying.

"I thought you said you didn't have that."

She stops her pursuit of scrubbing and glares up at me with sideways smile and cocked eyebrows.

"I am on my hands and knees cleaning up the mess that you made all over my brand new carpet. You really want to talk about the sweatshirt?"

"Tu-shay."

I make my over to sit on the couch just as she is finishing up, and I can't help but feel bad for her having to clean up after me yet again.

"I would have done that Liv."

She gets up from her knees, placing the cleaning materials, onto the coffee table before taking a seat next to me. She wipes her bangs from her eyes with the back of her hand, and looks at me with a smile.

"It's fine El. It isn't the first time I have had to do that, and plus, it would have stained."

"Still, you should have let me do it. I'm sorry."

The change of expression on her face lets me know that this conversation is over, and a new one is about to begin.

"El. How long have you been having nightmares like that?"

I find myself shifting uncomfortably in my seat and turn to face her, laying my arm along the back of the couch.

"What makes you think that wasn't a one time deal?"

"El...."

I can't lie to her anymore. I owe her that much after everything she has done for me. I can't do it anymore. I swallow down my doubts and fears and turn my eyes down to stare at my sweating palms. I can't face her when I talk about this. I can't see the look in her eyes when I tell her how scared I am.

"Three weeks or so. They started off as just noises or quick flashes of things, but over time they have gotten worse."

"What are they about?"

"Usually the same thing, people dying. My kids. Me.....You."

I feel her hand cover mine that are still clasped together in my lap, and God Damn if my heart doesn't skip a beat. My eyes keep locked onto our hands. I still can't face her.

"Why haven't you told anyone El? Why haven't you tried to get help?"

"I was scared. Scared of what people would think. Scared Cragen would take me off the job. Scared people wouldn't think I wasn't strong enough."

I feel the couch shift, and see her move to once again kneel down in front of me. Her hands move to the top of my knees, and when I look up to finally face her, much to my surprise, she is softly smiling.

"You are strong Elliot, no one is going to think you aren't, but you have to talk to someone about this, or they are just going to get worse. Maybe you can talk to Huang?"

"No! I can't, he'll report everything back to Cragen. He'll have to, and I couldn't handle if they took me off the job Liv. I couldn't take that."

"What about Rebecca?"

"Hendricks?"

"Yeah, I know you have opened up to her before. Maybe she can help you with all of this. Elliot you know that I will listen to you whenever you want to talk about these things, but I don't have all the answers. I can't help you like maybe she can."

"I don't know Liv. You know how I feel about shrinks."

"I know, but do this for me. Just talk to her once, and if it bothers you that badly you don't have to go again, but just talk to her one time El. You need help, more than I can give you."

I can see in her eyes that she is pleading with me. Begging me to do this, and perhaps she is right. It is about time I admit to myself that I need help from something other than a bottle of scotch or the slamming of my fists against a hard surface.

"Okay."

A smiles instantly forms on her face and she moves up to pull me into a hug. As she wraps her arms around me for the first time that night I feel at peace again. I don't ever want to let her go. I pull her closer into me and grab hold of the fabric of the sweatshirt, scrunching it into my hands, and let out a deep breath. She doesn't back away, but rather holds me tighter and it means everything to me. Finally after a minute or two she moves away and when she does a part of me feels empty again.

"I guess I better get home. I have to get some clothes, and you probably have to shower. We have to be at the precinct in three hours."

"Yeah. You're probably right. You gonna be okay?"

As I get up from the couch and begin to walk towards the door I once again find a smile forming on my lips. I turn to look at her and it only widens.

"I think so."

She doesn't say anything, she just smiles back and nods. I turn back around and start to open the door when I hear her speak.

"It's comfortable."

I turn around to face her with a look of confusion appearing on my face.

"What?"

She smiles up at me and tugs her hands up that are laying in the pockets of the sweatshirt.

"That is why I didn't give it back. It's comfortable."

"Keep it. It looks better on you anyway."

Exchanging smiles once more I turn around to leave, and as I pull the door softly close behind me, I let out a soft sigh. Something tells me that things between us will never be the same again.

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TBC

_So what did you all think? Lots more E/O to come. No worries.  
_

_Please review. I would really appreciate it. I know there are more people reading than reviews are showing. I would really like to break fifty or sixty reviews with this chapter. ;c)_


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